Trusting again
Trust is at the core of all meaningful relationships. Without trust, there can be no fulfilling relationships. As long as we are in relationships, hurt becomes inevitable. In this article, Paida Mpaso writes about trusting your partner again.
Mary was in a relationship with Geoff and was one day startled to walk into him with another woman. In her rage, they fought; she, Geoff, and the other woman. It was terrible but now she has to live with the hurt and start learning how to trust him again.
“I will work on our relationship for the sake of my child,†she told her best friend Mayamiko.
Many partners fall into traps similar to that of Mary. Trust can be betrayed in so many ways and once trust has been betrayed, most people will be less trusting the next time.
For instance, most women will be wary of fully loving and trusting again if they catch their man cheating. To make matters worse, some will even hate men altogether and never get in a relationship again.
In one of his bestselling books, president of the National Association of Social Workers, Terry Mizrahi, writes that betrayal must be acknowledged if a relationship is to continue.
According to her, to trust a partner again, the wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt, and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different.
“Seeking and accepting forgiveness is the first step toward rebuilding a more secure relationship. If the relationship is of a permanent nature, both sides must agree to change specific behaviour,†reads one chapter in part.
“In new relationships, at the appropriate time, discussion of such a past situation can alert a caring partner to the other’s sensitivities and vulnerabilities.
“You can learn to trust someone perfectly but that’s risky. Even highly trustworthy people can always change. You can most probably, but not certainly, trust people if they have been regularly honest up to now. That is, if they are not too emotionally disturbed and if they subscribe to usual moral rules,†she writes.
Mizrahi continues that after an affair, or an equally disturbing revelation, most of the so called victims of betrayal don’t want the truth.
“You see, we ask for reassurances from the very person who was dishonest with us. We demand details that are often torturous. We may police them, looking for signs of straightforwardness. The way back to trust is counterintuitive: The issue is whether we can trust ourselves to make wise decisions. We can ask, “Can I, and do I, want to be with this person?
“Will I be honest about my thoughts and feelings? Will I take the risk to further this relationship, knowing I cannot control the other? What would I do if my partner chose to, once again, be dishonest with me?†Hurt does not heal instantly, but it can calm us to look into ourselves and see our real choices,†she continues.
