Vitamin K dispenser caught out

Dear Biggie,

I am a married man but I am also in a romantic relationship with another woman. This other woman was a platonic friend and I had planned on letting it that way. However, all that changed when, one day, she told me she had been to hospital when she had been told she had vitamin K deficiency and advised to have sex if she were to be cured of her malady.

There was a catch, however, the hospital allegedly advised her the man should go for voluntary counselling and testing for HIV and Aids. Tries as she could, she just couldn’t find a man who was prepared to have sex with her because of the condition attached.

She told me her problem as a friend, not as a ‘benefactor’. Half-jokingly, I volunteered myself for the task and half-heartedly, I agreed to go through VCT. We both tested negative and soon after the test, I kept my end of the bargain by having sex with her. I thought that was it.

The problem is that she doesn’t want to leave me after that. She claims she cannot find any man who would courageous as I was to go for VCT. The woman loves to bits and I would hate to leave her but I am married. She does a lot for me. She helped me recapitalise my business with K630 000; she bought me an iPhone when she is using a Nokia 1200. All my attempts to get rid of her have all failed.

I was content to let the relationship blossom until a problem cropped up at home with my wife. I was going through her phone when I noticed she had sent her nude photo to my best friend. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that she had been in relationship with my friend five years earlier. The recent messages, she said, was an attempt for them to rekindle their relationship after my friend told her about my side dish.

Biggie, what should I do? Do I dump my girlfriend to save my marriage? Or should I marry my girlfriend and divorce my wife, after all, she was the first one who cheated?

Mapiri via email

Dear Mapiri,

Firstly, you sound read the Bible more often (or whatever book gives you spiritual satisfaction). You do sound like Adam. When God was holding an inquest about who had eaten of the forbidden fruit, instead of confessing his sins, do you know what Adam said? “It wasn’t me but the woman You gave me.” Similarly, instead of accepting your shortcomings, you want to justify them by blaming your wife. Your wife wasn’t the one who advised you to go about as if you are panacea to sexually starved women. There was no cause and effect. Nada. Nyet. Nix. Palibe.

Secondly, pay attention to current affairs. If you did, you wouldn’t have found yourself in such a quandary (look up that word in a dictionary!). You would have read about a timeless lecture Judge Michael Mtambo gave about handling phones. So said the learned judge: “My view is that cell phones are personal to holder. An average Malawian man cannot give his phone to his wife because he would want to protect his marriage.” He was talking about men but he could easily have been referring to women. What were you doing checking your wife’s phone? It’s her phone, right? Never mind who bought it. People like you, who peep into their spouses’ phones or other communication, are the reason divorce rates have shot through the roof in Malawi. I have always advised couples to lay off their spouses’ phones; it is for their own good—marital wise, health wise, financial wise, anything wise.

Lastly, how old are you that you can be cheated by fantastical, teenage, cock-and-bull tales of vitamin K? Either you are lying or you are too naive. Go back to school to learn and learn real good. There are a thousand and one ways of getting vitamin K without a woman auctioning herself to the guy who takes the chance to undergo VCT. Don’t think of yourself a mobile dispenser of vitamin K. It’s just too chauvinistic. n