I have so many questions for you. I am a 23-year-old confused young woman who is trying to get a man to marry. I have never been involved with men but now time is right and I want one for myself. What should I look for?
Why I ask, you maybe wondering. Well, most of my friends are in terrible relationships because they rushed to settle down. Ida, my good friend, for instance, has a stupid husband. He is jobless, broke and drinks like a fish. He also sleeps with street prostitutes and housemaids.
BMW, I do not want to land myself such an thoughtless man. I want to marry a successful bachelor, in his mid 40s, who is good-looking, with a posh car, a fat wallet and lives in a nice neighbourhood.
Please help, how do I find such a man?
Miss KT, via WhatsApp, Lilongwe
Dearest Miss KT,
You see, it pains me that women tend to be very choosy about men, but still end up with the same type of man—the man who is dangerous and destroys everything he touches, literally.
Who doesn’t know that the man you are looking for is called ‘a player’? Yeah, you heard me right, such men bring pain, misery and every heartache imaginable. What’s more, these kinds of men rob women of their youth, happiness and turn them into bitter, miserable hags at the ‘tender’ age of 30. Now, who needs that?
Miss KT, you and your likes must understand that there are many other types of men women need to avoid at all costs. It may be entertaining, and even cute, to casually date them or chew their money, but anything serious with these types of men never ends well.
For example, if you want trouble and unhappiness date the smart, fat wallet, posh-driving idiot. These are master cheaters. By the way, if you think you will change them, forget it. I have never seen a cheater who changed. They promise to change, but never do.
At 23, you should know that a ‘Mr Successful Bachelor at 40’ is a red flag. These successful men are stalked and hunted by women like honey to the bee.
So when a successful man remains a bachelor until his 40s; has a nice car, lives in a posh neighbourhood and has a great career, there is definitely something sinister about him. Stay away from such men.
My advice to you is that you find a man of your age, grow together and get rich together. Otherwise, stay single and save yourself the pain of looking for a non-existent mammal.
Big Man Wamkulu
I found a condom in hubby’s pocket
I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have one child. Two years ago, I found condoms—we never use condoms—in his pocket. When confronted, he told me he hasn’t cheated on me and they were for us to use on a ‘rainy day’. I understood and let it be.
But recently, my maid found another condom in his pocket as she was washing his clothes. This time when I confronted him, he had no clue where the ‘thing’ came from. I am livid Biggie.
The fool is surely cheating on me. Should I skin him alive?
Livid Wife via WhatsApp, Blantyre.
Dearest Livid Wife,
Wait, wait… please calm down. Do not burn your knickers for nothing.
Don’t ever trust that maid of yours and do not ever listen to such nonsense, because I can tell you that your maid does not wish you well. Your maid has planted the condom to destroy your marriage. She wants you to leave your hubby and the house to her.
But if it is true that the maid, found the CDs in your hubby’s pockets then your dog of a husband is cheating on you!
My dear, condoms don’t appear miraculously in a man’s pocket as if they are chewing gum or medicine. Two things could have happened: one, he might have bought a packet of three rubbers because he is over ambitious, but only used two or he bought one packet with a friend and they shared one each only to have one as a left-over.
Now, before your set your house on fire, in spite of hubby clearly breaking the Seventh Commandment, I think your husband loves and respects you, so forgive and forget about this incident. Why Biggie, you may ask.
My dear, a man who remembers to avoid bringing chindoko, mabhomu, zizonono and dodgy germs to the woman he loves by buying a condom while blind drunk must be applauded. I can tell you with my hand on my chest that not many men are wearing condoms these days.
Your man loves you. He is a nice man, so don’t kill him, not just yet. Give him a treat, you know what I mean. Thank him!
Big Man Wamkulu