When a bachelor lives next door

 

In the Malawian culture, especially in densely populated areas, neighbours often become more than friends. They are the people that lend us salt, sugar, as well as a shoulder to lean on when times get rough.

But what happens when a bachelor lives next door to a married couple? Should the woman keep her distance or is it OK to mother her young unmarried neighbour?

There are a lot of causes of discontent among married couples, some of which are monetary issues or differences in ethnic and religious backgrounds. Other marriages might also be threatened because of how one partner, especially a wife, associates with the neighbours.

Consider this; in many places of residence, it happens that one of the neighbours is a bachelor who stays alone. Now, Malawian culture dictates that we should help our neighbours in times of need so that they too may bail us out during our difficult times. We lend each other salt, soda, kitchen utensils and other essentials.

What happens, therefore, if your next door neighbour is a bachelor? Should women form close bonds with these men on the pretext of ‘mothering’ them? Will this not raise eyebrows? Will it not throw her husband into bouts of fury over the fact that the friendship might be a front for a sexual relationship?

Most husbands actually suspect that something devious is going on between the two. But is there anything wrong in a woman helping and interacting with her unmarried male neighbour?

“This issue is actually very complex. First off, a lot of husbands want their wives to belong only to them. Even if she chats with a bachelor innocently, they think that is wrong and might turn into something disastrous, such as a love affair,” says Crifford Lemoni of Senga Bay in Salima.

But Malaika Kaunda, who works at Mikolongwe College of Veterinary Science in Chiradzulu, differs with Lemoni, saying we are living in a modern world where marriages should not end based on suspicions.

“Men and women interact in schools, churches and offices; therefore, we are contradicting ourselves if we say that interaction should not exist in the place of residence just because it is between a married woman and a bachelor.

“Does the married woman not chat with male unmarried colleagues at the office?” asks Kaunda, adding that she sees nothing wrong with the scenario as Malawians have been known for helping one another since time immemorial.

Seventy-nine-year-old Marrieta Betha Kavuma, a former primary school teacher who has been a traditional marriage counsellor for 25 years, says it is wrong for people to ‘judge a book by its cover’.

 “We should not conclude that the two are lovers just because the wife sometimes helps the bachelor with something like charcoal or salt. The issue of helping and interacting with a bachelor has nothing to do with unfaithfulness of the wife.

“These are two independent scenarios. If a wife is unfaithful by nature, then she will engage in sexual affairs with people that she interacts with in the neighbourhood, church, office and so on,” points out Kavuma, who hails from Mpanang’ombe village, T/A Nthondo in Ntchisi.