When a woman’s fed up

Dear BMW

Ada, what does it mean when a girl keeps on telling you that you are not serious yet palibe chomwe wapanga kapena chomwe wamuuza?

SC via email

Dear SC,

Man, you are not serious. One, you are so lazy that you fail to explain, in finer details, the context of your girlfriend’s accusations—which means you really don’t give me anything to work with. I just hope your execution of duty to your woman is not as brief as the explanation of your problem.

Like I said, you have not given me enough grounds to establish a case so that I expatiate your case judiciously, but my job is to offer advice, no matter how hopeless a case it might be. So here goes.

I hope you have listened to R. Kelly classic hit ‘When a Woman’s Fed Up’. But in case you haven’t, what Kells is basically saying is that when a woman’s fed up, no matter how you beg, no. It ain’t nothing you can do about it, it’s like running out of love. No matter what you say. And then it’s too late to talk about it.

Reading between your lines, I feel that your woman’s fed up with you. Because, realistically speaking, there is no way someone can just wake up one morning to start accusing you of not being serious.

But I seriously suspect that you are unemployed, or you don’t really perform well in bed or that you have kept her waiting for ages without putting a ring on her finger.

Whatever the case is, you are not really serious.

In the immortal words of my departed philosophy professor Paul Anyosisye Mwaipaya (D.Phil, Louvre, Papa New Guinea): ‘My friend, you’re manyukunyuku!’ (whatever that means).

BMW

Biggie

My wife is cheating on me. The story is like this: I am unemployed after I was laid off from my job and since then, my wife has changed. She has a good job and we have always been partners financially.

Not anymore. Since she became the breadwinner, she has changed. She now comes home late with a scent of strange perfume; she buys expensive stuff such as phones and jewellery which she cannot afford on her salary.

On weekends, she is hardly home. But when she is home, she is always on her phone, giggling and chuckling the day away.

There is one reason that I don’t complain; because she provides for the family without fail and she still treats me with respect, regardless.

Johnny B, Namiwawa, Blantyre

Dear Johnny,

You have not provided me with any evidence that your wife is cheating on you.

So, man-to-man, this is what I will tell you—your wife is not cheating on you; she is just living a normal life, whiling away time on Facebook or Whatsapp with her friends and/or colleagues. And there’s nothing awkward about that.

And this woman does overtime—working after hours and on weekends to provide for you and the family since her husband chose to be laid off, and you still want to complain?

And, once in a while, can’t a woman spoil herself with expensive jewellery and phones which her husband cannot afford? Can’t a woman have a little fun?

Man, you are thankless. Be grateful for what this woman is doing for you.

You are just jealous of her success man. You enjoy her. And you are really pissed off because you know it is you that should have been providing for that family.

Man up, get a life and get a job, any job will do. And this time, don’t get laid off.

BMW

Biggie,

I saw the article in Nation on Sunday [regarding slimming down and small members]. We also need the supply, so how can we get it? But does it really work?

AP via email

My dear AP,

I will be very brief. Like I have always said, my name is Big Man Wamkulu and I earned this title.

What this means is, I cannot vouch for a product that does not work.

Gondolosi does work my friend. And what this also means is: I am Big Man Wamkulu because I am truly endowed! My six ex-wives and numerous concubines and girlfriend can vouch for that.

I hope this confession puts your doubts to rest?

When it comes to the supply side of things…well, there’s a man in town who trades his trades around the Nandos area in Blantyre. The placard on his wares reads: Kukulitsa Shaft. You might want to talk to him.

That said, man-to-man, you ought to know that when it comes to sex, it’s not really what you have, it’s what you do with it.

Biggie

**Send your problems to: bigmanwamkulu@gmail.com