Who is Big Man Wamkulu?

Biggie,

Honestly, I am fascinated and impressed by the kind of devious and sly advice that you have offered on this page since inception.

But, my enthrallment is limited by my sense of perplexity at the identity of the being that calls himself Big Man Wamkulu.

Of what interest, except the most absurd, would one use the experience of his sexual and matrimonial escapades (six, you say), to qualify himself as an adviser of a romantic kind?

One thing I notice from the tone of your counsel is that you are bitter with women, especially the six that you were previously married to. I don’t know what they did to you or why, but I can only speculate that some (or all of them) cheated on you.

You hardly talk about your children. My assumption is that you are alienated from them or you simply do not care. So, my guess is that you realised that one (or more) of your ex-s lied about the paternity of your child(ren) and that drove you to raise suspicion about the rest.

But, like I said earlier, I cannot only speculate based on what I have figured out from the conversations that you have with your readers.

And you sound like someone who has a beautiful story to tell. Why don’t you tell us your story instead of the usual cliché stories from your readers?

That said, it would be great to unveil who BMW is? Why do you hide under a cloak of secrecy? What are you hiding from?

Who is Big Man Wamkulu?

Chisomo M, Limbe

Dear Chisomo,

I wish the answer to your question had as simple an answer. But the complexity of my situation makes it difficult for me to offer advice without concealing my identity. The English call this indemnity.

Let me explain it this way. I have been married six times, but I have been in relationships with many many more women (I have since lost count, but the number does not matter. Or does it?).

What this means is that some of the issues that arise from my readers are a mirror of my experiences with some of a hundred or so women that I have dated. As such, had I not concealed my identity, I would have exposed myself to litigation from these vultures who are always preying on the earlier opportunity to hang me dry in the sun.

And to tell my own story? C’mon man. The space in this newspaper does not suffice. Telling my story would require a novel or two. I have lived a lot many years and I have been engulfed in more scandals than any man should take.

Besides, my story is too gross for a family newspaper such as this and I know my two editors (who, by the way, are some of the most pious people you’d ever encounter) would never allow for such gross and outlandish stories such as mine to be published in their newspaper.

And, by the way, other people’s stories always make better reading than one’s own.

So, meanwhile, while I stew over the publication of my autobiography, allow me to use my experience to stop people from experiencing the hell I went through with my six marriages.

That said, what I find disturbing is Malawi’s obsession with sex (and other related lewd acts).

Need I remind you how 70-year-old grandfathers were seen ogling at that sex-tape of those Area 18B 16-year-olds making it out with their cat as referee. C’mon good people, these children are young enough to be your grandchildren and there you are, drooling over their sex-tape. That is so gross.

It is such kind of bawdy behaviour that drives BMW, not an anger or hatred against the women in my life.

Have a blessed Sunday.

Big Man Wamkulu