What turns women into husband snatchers and makes them settle for a married man? Is it the need to be loved, pampered and adored? Is it because someone has to pay the rent at the end of the month? Paida Mpaso explores why some women end up as the other woman.
You cannot help who you fall in love with, but getting involved with a married man when you know that he will never leave his wife for you is getting yourself into a lot of hurt.
Not only do some people call such relationships unhealthy, others even go to the extent of saying that engaging in such relationships only shows how desperate and crazy some women can be. So why, despite the reprimands, do women engage themselves in relationships with married men?
Mary Sokosa, a mother of two in her late 20s, admits to having been in a relationship with a married man. She says usually the men are in the relationship for one thing – sex.
She further notes that much as married men will tell their mistresses that they love them and that their relationship back home is not working, they will never leave that Ã¢â‚¬Ëœcold or evilÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ wife they portray to you.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Looking back, I feel the whole relationship is based on sex and material things. Even though there were feelings involved, he never felt for me as strongly as he felt for his wife. Even though we had a lot of fun together, my married partner never left his wife for me,Ã¢â‚¬Â she says.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Of course I have been frustrated before and told myself I would never get married but when I met this man, I started appreciating family. I wanted to settle down but he just wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t ready to leave his wife. It hurt so much; I met a man and I wanted him to marry me only he wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t available,Ã¢â‚¬Â she adds
She says it was a shock that the man never had children but still wouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t commit to her. After people found out about them, she decided to end the relationship and move on, though she had borne him two children.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“I still have regrets. The break-up wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t good and the whole thing was hurtful. I had fun but in the end I am the one who lost; he needed me for sex and the real woman was for security. With her on his side, he was safe. I was just a piece of something,Ã¢â‚¬Â she says.
Dr. Rose Windale, US-based author of relationship books, writes that many women prefer dating married men for the security.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“Married men give off a vibe of stability. Stability is important in todayÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s world, yet it is rare. However, dating a married man is an emotional roller coaster ride.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“For such an experience, you have to prepare yourself mentally. Whether you like it or not, his first commitment is usually to his wife and his family. You are most probably an afterthought, and worse, a fleeting amusement. Being in such a position will entail not only mental preparedness, but toughness,Ã¢â‚¬Â she writes.
According to Windale, married people often have affairs due to purely selfish desire and sheer boredom. She further advises that engaging in such relationships is risky and makes the woman look desperate, without vision and foolish.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“You will not come out of it well. An opportunity is presented to you and you are too greedy to say no. Sex with a married person is dramatic, open, stimulating and very risky too. For the married person, it is all these things plus a release from the mundane situation they find themselves in.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“The problem with dating a married person when you are single is that you remain single throughout the affair. You are not a couple so donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t fool yourself. Sure you may act like a couple when you are together, but you arenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t,Ã¢â‚¬Â she cautions.