Women are hitting on me

Dear BMW,

My friends and I are in that prime age where we attract women from both spectrums—younger ones in college and older ones inching fast towards 45. In bars and nightclubs, travelling in public buses has become a bit scary. The number of times women hit on me are a bit unsettling.

What is even sad is that my pastor’s wife, and most recently, a nun I met at a popular shopping mall all wanted a piece of me.

BMW, I hate being hounded because poor me grew up in a traditional family that believes in hunting for women. But women these days no longer have the patience.

Biggie, nowadays, you can’t have your drink in a club in peace without some woman offering to give you a BJ of your life. Apart from the ‘night nurses’ who are always ready to spike your drink, there are also many women who leave you high and wet with their dressing.

In the past I used to allow some of this permissiveness, thinking that cities are supposed to be liberal, rotten and immoral. But papa, it is getting out of hand and I can’t take it anymore.

I decided to abandon my night life for life on social media, especially WhatsApp. Haa, I wish I knew, on WhatsApp, it is even worse. Women are throwing themselves at me like never before. What should I do?

Should I live like in the dark ages; stop going clubbing for good, skip public transport and throw my phone down the toilet?

Mfana Wofewa, Via WhatsApp, Nyambadwe Proper, Blantyre

Dearest MW,

I think there is an oversupply of eligible women who are too willing to give in without the least resistance. That’s how bad the world has become.

In fact, yours truly was hounded last week. A young woman, not quite 21, seduced me openly, promising to give me a BJ of my life. She may have been drunk, but her propositioning was made in full consciousness, to my befuddled male friends.

I sympathised with the girl. For starters, Biggie is very choosy. I like my meat with lots of fat. But this one was a typical ‘pin’. She was barebones, light-skinned with red lips and a flat screen (you know what I mean). Kamuzu Banda will resurrect before I can offer such a diva a drink!

Secondly, I’m very poor in small talk, especially with women. I normally have this irresistible urge to talk about stock exchange, rights issue, K17 billion Bankgate, Dow Jones and economic prospects of Malawi.

I also love talking about science and man’s journey to the moon. These topics have a way of inducing yawns from Malawian women. I don’t watch enough of the Kardashians, Trump’s White House or English Premier League to sustain a shallow conversation that many women and men I know favour.

But the girl was undeterred. I can’t disclose what followed, but it had the capacity to shake your faith in humanity.

What I am trying to say youngman is this; real women cannot throw themselves at you. The women who are busy seducing men via the social media or indeed in bars and drinking holes are nothing but hookers, who think life revolves around sex and money.

So stay away from such people. There is more to life. Stay at home if you need to. Read a good book and enrich your brain.

Finally, please before you throw that phone in the toilet share the contacts of your pastors wife and err.. did you say you know a nun. I need to call and teach them both a good moral lesson!

BMW